Here’s the background story: I recently moved to North Carolina. That meant we changed insurance and needed new providers. My husband found a family dentistry, signed us up, and made an appointment for himself and our son.
I finally got around to making my appointment, stating twice that I had never been there. They said my name was already in the system and insisted I had visited their practice before, just not in a while. Nope. I’ve never been. I just moved here. I was condescendingly told the system says otherwise. Sigh. I told myself this was a battle not worth fighting and just scheduled an appointment. It was a Wednesday, and they said they could see me on a Friday. Great. Scheduled.
Two hours later…
My husband sends me a voicemail he just received from the dentist about my appointment. Weird. Why are they calling him? The voicemail was asking me to come earlier since I’m a new patient. So I call back and explain I’m unable to do so and ask if we could reschedule for Wednesday instead. I’m told that would incur a cancellation fee since I want to reschedule for a whole new day. What? I literally just made this appointment earlier today and am changing it because I can’t come earlier.
I’m put on hold. Then I’m told the fee can be waived just this one time as a freebie and asked if I would like to schedule for Wednesday.
I took a deep breath and said, “I’m upset by all of this. I just made this appointment two hours ago. I’m a brand new patient. This cancellation policy wasn’t mentioned to me. I can’t make the earlier time the office has changed, and I’m not even called on my number, my husband is called instead. So this is all frustrating.” I received an apology and was told they understood. I ended up rescheduling the appointment.
I didn’t really want an apology, though. I wanted to be heard and believed. I wanted to be treated like I mattered. I wasn’t feeling hopeful about the appointment.
I was angry with this experience. I was angry at being treated like I didn’t know any better and then literally told to pay for it. I was angry that I hadn’t allowed myself to fully trust my instinct during that first phone call. I sat with that anger. With the embarrassment. With the second-guessing. Then I found pride around the bend.
I stood up for myself in that second phone call. I calmly and efficiently explained my frustration and refused to allow the mistreatment to be swept under the rug. I stood my ground. Before EMDR, that would have never happened.
I realized my reflections on these encounters were similar to an EMDR session: I started with the most distressing image and allowed my thoughts, feelings, and body sensations to flow. I didn’t guide them. I didn’t categorize them as good or bad. I just bore witness to my experience.
I realized I used my voice. I treated myself like I mattered and therefore was able to communicate my dissatisfaction assertively. I was curious to see how that would continue.
I decided to go through with the appointment to see if things would improve. They didn’t. So when it came time to schedule follow-ups, I simply said, “No.” When I was asked what would work for me for follow-up appointments, I said, “If I decide to come back, I’ll call you. I’m not going to schedule an appointment today.” And that was that.
The overall point I’m trying to make is this: when anger is involved in a situation, stop and ask, “Is this adaptive?” If I hadn’t noticed my anger and given it the time and space to be acknowledged, I’m not sure I would have come to such an adaptive conclusion. I wouldn’t have voiced my frustration and confusion. I wouldn’t have said no to scheduling follow-ups. It was an uncomfortable experience, but transformative for me.
I can easily find myself in a cycle of “Why didn’t I…” But this time, I decided to give my anger a safe place to flare up and calm down.
This experience had me reflecting on how to help my clients. Anger is typically a hyperactive emotion, and if you’re working with someone who typically responds in a hypoactive state, then anger can be a significant turning point. Sure, it may be uncomfortable for the client to experience, and for you to witness that part of the transformation, but that doesn’t mean it’s maladaptive.
Now, when I think back to this dentist experience, I find myself smirking a bit. I see myself acknowledging my emotions, assessing the situation objectively, and giving myself compassion. I didn’t judge my anger as maladaptive. I honored it, and honestly, it was about damn time.