There was a client who was in Phase 4 of EMDR and got stuck in a scene. This scene was not a traumatic event, but they could not get out, and were resisting all suggestions of interweaves.
Even the suggestion of bringing someone with them to help them get out. “No, I don’t want to be a burden by asking them to help me,” the client said.
Oh! My breaking heart. This person’s negative core belief, I don’t matter, runs so deep they can not even to bring themselves to ask for, essentially, imaginary help with an imaginary person during their reprocessing. There is a blocking belief that needs to be addressed. How can they learn that it is okay to ask for help; safe to do so? How does this client get to the points that they can ask for help. These are all steps to help get them to the positive belief of, I do matter. It’s difficult, transformative work, but completely worth it.
Saying you matter doesn’t mean you’re being selfish. It doesn’t mean that you’re above anybody. It means that you matter as part of this ecosystem, and your life is vital to the ecosystem. Unfortunately, some ecosystems are not suited for our clients. The ecosystem may even survive by treating your client like they don’t matter and may try to get your client to stay in their lane, not rock the boat, and accept their role of not mattering. EMDR will help your client through this chaos and confusion and they will find, or build an ecosystem that treats them like they matter-that values them.
But let’s discuss some more about what to do when these blocking beliefs arise. The client may be resisting, or finding it difficult to let go of this “I don’t matter,” identity. They have, after all, had this identity their whole life and it will be very scary letting it go because every dynamic will change in their life. That’s difficult to rebuild. Good thing they have you as their EMDR therapist.
One way to start is helping your client feel safe, or that it is okay, to ask for help. Ask the client about other times in their life they couldn’t ask for help, both present and past. Do they have anything coming up in their future that they might need help with, and do they think they could ask for help if they needed to? Was there anyone in their life that provided help? Can they recall an event in their life where they began believing asking for help means being a burden and that’s not okay? Explore. Be curious. It’s almost like you’re doing a bit more of Phase 1 and setting up a Target Sequence Plan. The negative cognition is, “I can’t ask for help.” What are some past and present events they have experienced and what are some future concerns?
As you begin the work to break the negative belief of, “I can’t ask for help,” you begin to build all sorts of positive pathways, “It’s okay to ask for help,” “I can ask for help,” “I do matter.” There is nothing wrong with those qualifiers, or baby steps. EMDR is a person-centered therapy so we follow the client and meet them where they are. When you see and address the blocking beliefs, and meet your client where they are you are treating them like they matter. Watching your client transform from, “I don’t matter,” to “I do matter,” is witnessing a miracle, and it’s beautiful.
